Y’all, I’ve been doing a great job at poker facing this year… But truth is I felt like I was dealt a losing hand. At the end of 2015, a 15 year friendship ended nastily and left me with a broken heart riddled with regret and remorse. Then I welcomed the New Year with speeding tickets, car accidents, illness, job loss (ha), and more estranged relationships with friends I thought would never leave my side. What’s really good?
“I can’t help but cry right now, like I want to cry so badly” I told my college Roomate (who truly should just be my blood sister dammit). She looked at me and I saw sadness in her face as she looked at me not knowing how to remedy the dilemma that choked me day in and day out. I had been keeping my tears in to conceal what I had going on. She said it was ok to cry and reminded me I’ll get through this ordeal, but I couldn’t let them out. I wanted to act like my life was still intact, so I smiled as much as I could and kept the details to myself. But it’s time to share the struggle because I’m confident God will turn things around for me.
I lost my job in the most ridiculous way. It was unforeseen; I thought I had my exit figured out and planned. I was final interview deep with 3 places in Texas and I was ready to kiss Southern Miss goodbye and bow gracefully. I gave that school everything I had and then some. I recruited so many students and put USM on their radar. Long story short on why I resigned; I was terribly ill and left a college fair prematurely. That’s a big NO NO in the admissions world and while my supervisor would’ve understood had she known in advance, I failed to inform her. Someone— who might I add got nothing in reward for reporting this— reported my premature departure to the school and thus an investigation was launched because I apparently “violated”. Dammit Marsha.
Truthfully things were not going to end well. I had been unorganized in my efforts and my calendar would not help back up my story throughout this investigation. I’ll spare you the details, but I packed my bags and drove back to Florida the same day.
Just a few hours earlier, when I was racing back to Hattiesburg from Florida, I had been attacked by some creepy rapist (see previous blog post) and as I rode back into Florida having already emailed my resignation, I got another email— a beautiful one of REJECTION from the Texas job I had hope in remedying this ordeal. Soon after, I learned of the other two spots being filled as well. I was 0-3 and unemployed. Everything seemed to happen in this perfect, ugly sequence.
I moved back to South Florida and decided to make the best of the worse and stayed with a guy I used to be infatuated with. He so amazingly opened up his home to me and I was happy to have him in my corner. Though he was open to me staying there, I had a different agenda. After being mistreated by sideshow and all the other lame-os, I started to entertain the idea of being with a good guy for a change. I had hoped me being in the same city would encourage a future with us being together… But that died down quickly.
I found myself overcompensating and not really feeling received. He mentioned other girls and talked about how beautiful they were to him. To be real transparent we talked about how modest they were and how they were beautiful to him without showing skin— something I brought up because I felt convicted for putting up beach pictures up with my a** all out for the world to see.
I felt stupid. I’m being cute and semi trashy to appear sexy, I’m trying to cook and clean and gift my way into a mans heart and it was making me feel less than and unworthy. I started to question my beauty and my worth and wonder why the ones I like never like me. I had to leave. I found out I had a job offer (that fell through) and I packed my things before he could notice. He was surprised at my exit but I’m sure he was happy to have me gone; although the I was a sweet guest, I’m sure he wanted his space back. And he deserved that.
So now I’m living with family in a cramped apartment. I cried because for years since my family lost our home I had been holding my own. Here I am now depending on others. I found beauty in this though. I saw clearly that I was loved by so many people who were willing to help me in this time of need.
My life isn’t bad and this isn’t a sob story… I’m leaving out a lot of details that will better paint he picture of pain I’ve felt recently. But I write this to say that life happens and loss is inevitable. Every job you celebrate can be a job you lose and every relationship you parade your heart off about can end up being what puts you in a ditch of sadness. Life is ever changing. But we have to roll with the punches!
I’ll write again to share about MARCH/APRIL and my most recent adventure as an Uber driver, but if you’re reading this and going through it, just keep in mind we all have our seasons and have lessons to learn. Sometimes they are painful and seemingly unbearable, but those are the best kind.
6 months of trial has turned me into a resilient woman of God again, I’m happy to shares that I’m rolling with the punches 😁. Stay tuned 🙂
Unconquered Gem 